Can you endorse this?


  Have you noticed how college football's bowl season has curiously evolved into a commercial cousin of NASCAR racing?
  We no longer watch bowl games with simple titles like "Orange Bowl" or "Sugar Bowl" - now we watch the "FedEx Orange Bowl," the "Nokia Sugar Bowl," the "Chick-Fil-A Peach Bowl" and so on.
  One can imagine a time in the near future when prominent college athletes are permitted to wear endorsements on their helmets much like NASCAR drivers already do.
  Don't think it hasn't been discussed. Besides, college basketball coaches have long been handsomely financially rewarded for choosing to deck their cagers out in brogands brandishing the Nike swoosh or the Converse star.
  Can you imagine if that trend was ever to reach into the high school ranks? Before you scoff, consider this - a school system in Sumner, Washington has accepted monetary compensation for the commercial endorsement of its prep football stadium.
  That's right - the Sumner Spartans now take to the gridiron in a beautiful facility known as Sunset Chevrolet Stadium.
  Now let your imagination wander a little further. Think about the possibility of endorsing prep players, and the following fictional folly may not seem so far-fetched someday.
  Post-game radio interview with East Carter H.S. football coach:

  Interviewer: This is Joe Schmoe coming at you live with East Carter's Rolaid's/Xanax head coach Booger Smith...Coach, you made some halftime adjustments that helped you win this game against the visiting Wildcats. Tell us what you did.
  Coach: Well, Joe -the first thing I did was tell our Geritol/Dulcolax defensive coordinator we had to stop their running game.
  Interviewer: So what did he do?
  Coach: Well, first let me tell you this. Gingko Biloba sent him some of their product to try last week - they're trying to sign him, you understand - and he's been taking it. The durn stuff must be working, 'cause Coach VanWinkle had his first original idea in years.
  Interviewer: Which was?
  Coach: You know that big ol' 360 pound No. 78 Krispy Kreme/Burger King Whopper right tackle of ours? Coach had him set up backwards up there on the line in the second half.
  Interviewer: And what did that do?
  Coach: Well, you see, the boy couldn't grab nobody to tackle 'em in the first half on account of his hands being slippery from all those doughnuts and hamburgers he eats.
  Interviewer: Ok.
  Coach: So we just had him back that big hind end of his up to the line and that No. 25 Harley-Davidson tailback of theirs would just bounce off that thing and our No. 55 Sycamore Shoals Emergency Room middle linebacker would nail him.
  Interviewer: I see. I also noticed you didn't get penalized as much in the second half, Coach.
  Coach: Right. I think it helped when that Nappy's Bar/George Dickel line judge couldn't get out of the way and our No. 44 John Deere Tractor fullback accidently ran over him.
  Interviewer: How did that help, Coach?
  Coach: They had to replace him with that rookie Value Vision Center referee...he's not bad. Saw things pretty good out there.
  Inteviewer: Tell me what you did to get your offense going?
  Coach: Well, Joe...our Grecian Formula/Viagra offensive coordinator decided to go to the shotgun and try to pass on 'em, so we put in our No. 7 sophomore Smith & Wesson/Remington backup quarterback. He ain't too smart, but the kid has a cannon on him.
  Interviewer: Who was he throwing to, Coach?
  Coach: We saw that our No. 82 Tri-Cities Airport split end was getting behind their defensive backs, so we went to him long a couple times.
  Interviewer: Your running back had a good game, too.
  Coach: Yeah, our No. 33 Grindstaff Chevrolet tailback picked up about 130 yards. The kid has some good wheels.
  Interviewer: You did a good job keeping the players focused when your mascot interrupted play there in the fourth quarter.
  Coach: Yeah, that dang Purina Dog Chow/Elizabethton Animal Hospital bulldog got loose and tried to bite their mascot. He scared the pee out of the kid wearing that cat suit. Hope his parents don't sue us.
  Interviewer: Coach, I better wrap this up. Can I talk with your Grecian Formula/Viagra offensive coordinator for a minute?
  Coach: You can if I can find him - if he's talking to my wife again, I'm gonna fire him. There he is...over there talking to the Sue's Beauty Shop/Mary Kay Cosmetics cheerleading sponsor.
  Interviewer: Thank you, Coach.
  Coach: No problem, Joe.